Every day is debilitating. As I wake up in the morning to the incessant ringing of my alarm, I ask myself what I am doing. What motivation do I have to get out of bed? My classes are intolerable, I have no friends at school, I am always cold, and besides, I am perpetually tired. It never used to be this way. I used to have motivation, interests, friends. Back in high school I used to look forward to coming to school. I used to love all my classes and my teachers. I was president of my class two years in a row, and I graduated valedictorian. Now all of that is gone.

I did make one friend at college—a girl by the name of Lucy. We met at orientation, and instantly I fell in love. I thought about her all summer, and we communicated back and forth over email. I made the mistake, however, of thinking that she loved me. That is a mistake I will never make again. How could anybody love me? When we got back to school I found out that she had a boyfriend, and that the two of them had been going out for two years already. He is tall, confident, and has pearly-white teeth shining in a perfect smile. I was a fool to think a girl as beautiful as Lucy would settle for a person like me! But we remained friends, and as far as I know, she never figured out that I coveted her from the shadows.

She was so happy all the time—the trait that I loved most about her. I felt that she completed me. I was always depressed, but whenever I saw her I tried to match her level of excitement. However, it never worked, and this inconsistency in my personality always translated into awkwardness. I figured it would not be too long before she developed a distaste for me, and I was right. We would always have dinner together once a week (that is the only time I would see her), but then she just stopped calling me. Now every day I feel as though my heart is being wrenched from my chest. I love her so much, and I cry whenever it occurs to me that I will never see her again.

Every day is debilitating. And frequently at night, as I stare up at my ceiling, I ask myself “why bother?”